Was He a Good Boy Today?

For the last 8 months or so, the first thing I’d ask my MIL when I picked PJ up was, “Did he nap well?” But ever since this past weekend, this question as changed to “Was he a good boy?”

Starting a week or so ago, PJ has started being kind of mean. He would at first just whine with annoyance if I took something away, then he would do this thing where he’d just fall straight back and hurt himself if I didn’t catch him on time. This past weekend, he started pulling my hair or slapping my face if he got frustrated. And this past Tuesday, he had a meltdown during dinner.

I picked him up a little late and rang the door bell of my MILs apparently about 20 minutes into a nap and woke him up. He wasn’t in a good mood. I then rushed home because my MIL said he would probably be hungry. I heated up his food and put him in his highchair. HIs food was piping hot and he would scream and whine in annoyance because I wasn’t feeding him fast enough. Then I had this bright idea to crumble up some corn bread on his table so he could feed himself while I cooled down his food. BAD IDEA. When his cornbread started running out he started get REALLY MAD. Throwing all the cornbread crumbs everywhere, screaming, crying big crocodile tears, and jumping up and down in his chair. I tried to offer the finally cooled down meal and he kept swatting my hand away and would splatter all over the floor. At this, I yelled “NO!” And he went ballistic. He’d cry and scream, then eat one small piece of cornbread crumb, then cry and scream and eat another small crumb of cornbread on his table. Ed saw and in a stern voice was telling him “NO, you cannot do that. Do not scream at mommy.” And PJ started sniffling and crying like we spanked the crapola out of him (didn’t lay a hand on him btw). So I sat there, sort of in shock. I kept thinking.. “He’s not even 2 yet… isn’t it called TERRIBLE TWOs?? He literally just turned 1. Why is my sweet baby being such a jerk to me, he’s so mean. I can’t believe he smacked my hand away and is acting so horrible!!!!” Ed proceeded to say, we need to start disciplining him. And I started doing this thing… making excuses for my badly behaving baby. “O I just woke him up from a nap at your moms.. and he was absolutely starving.. and it’s my fault the food was just too hot!” And I realized.. I’m just like those ridiculous moms, making ridiculous excuses for her boy

I went to bed that night.. so…. sad. If you know me personally, I am very to the point and I have no problem with confrontation. I actually don’t even mind a good logically thought out argument. I thought I would easily fall into the role of the disciplinary parent. But I ABSOLUTELY HATE DISCIPLINING my PJ. I hate that he cries and looks so sad. I just couldn’t believe this precious little human, this innocent bundle of joy.. could be such a jerk to his mommy. I think I was genuinely overwhelmed with sadness. It sounds so lame and naive, like why did I think, o no not my baby haha

So what I am learning is, anger and frustration and preferring things are new feelings for him and he doesn’t really know how to deal with it or communicate them to me without crying or whining. With tips from the internet, co-workers and MIL I have put a warm (not hot) bowl on his hand to show him he needs to wait because the food is still too hot to feed to him, he then sees me blow on the food to cool it down and actually has started to copy me. I also show him the bowl periodically while eating so that he can see the food is disappearing. He also doesn’t like being told there’s no more food btw. When he is about to have a fit or is having one, I just sit there and let him calm down and talk to him about why he can’t have what he wants. However, if I’ve learned anything this past year with parenting.. it’s that things will work for awhile.. but they don’t always stick forever. So this is just my method for now..

The scary thought I had though… I don’t want to raise a bad child. I want him to be respectful to others and be well behaved. I want him to be kind and considerate. And I thought.. all those bad people out there.. they didn’t all come from horrible families. Many of them were raised right. So what can I do to raise him right and be nice normal human being for the rest of his life…

Molding a human is tough business and I’m starting to think it’s only going to get harder haha

Fever

Everything is put on hold when your baby gets sick. PJ’s been sick a few times since he was born, nothing major of course, mostly just a cold with stuffy nose and coughing. When my mom would nag and nag and nag me about dressing him warmer, I would shoo her away and say he’s FINEEEE mom. What I didn’t realize at the time was… when a baby gets a cold… everything gets f-ed up.

 

By 8 months or so, your baby might be sleep trained, sleeping through the night, and maybe you started exercising and enjoying some tv after they went to sleep. Well my friend, all that goes out the window because your baby is probably VERY irritated. Like most parents, I was in love with the Nose Frida. I found such satisfaction pouring in some saline drops in his nose, getting his boogers are wet and then sucking it out with the Frida. Voila~! His nostrils would look so clean. But when PJ got a stuffy nose, he would freakkkkk out when I put that thing anywhere near him. And when he was feeling crappy AND hungry, but couldn’t drink his milk because he couldn’t breathe through his nose.. o.. m.. g.. all hell would break loose in our house at 8pm, 12am, 2 am, 4am, then 530am, and then I’d have to get up to get ready for work. As he got older and he started more solids, it got better. He ate more  during the day so he woke up only a few times and I started rubbing a tiny bit of vapor rub on his chest and feet, at least when he needed to eat.

Last week however, he got his first fever. I mean, he’s felt warm a couple times before, but he was BURNING up last week. Kaiser gave us this armpit/butthole thermometer that I just cannot use. I’m sure it would work fine on an adult, but try doing it to a baby. So I got one of those fancy head swiping thermometers from Target and it helped so much. Ed was taking his temperature, my temperature, the baby’s temperature all the time haha. The highest he reached was 104 and man that scared me a lot. Again, all routine goes out the window when your little one gets sick. PJ normally sleeps in his own room, but I wanted him to sleep with us, so I could feel his forehead throughout the night and take his temp. He would cling to me so much and I didn’t want to let him cry and get hotter for no reason. So I’d carry him around everywhere and I didn’t let him cry it out a little before bedtime. He has never been the type of baby to just fall asleep on me without me rocking/swaying him either, but last week he just leaned against me and went to sleep. For about 5 days, Ed and I were on high alert, taking his temp every few hours. We alternated between ibuprofen and tylenol and of course me asking him repeatedly, “are you sure the dose is right??? are you sure????” (we are both pharmacists btw and this calculation is so basic, but when it comes to your baby everything feels so uncertain)

Needless to say, I barely slept last week. Waking up every 2 hours checking his temperature, patting his back, holding his hand, staring at him hard to make sure I can see him breathing. The last time I felt this nervous was when we first brought him home and I was scared shitless of SIDS. I know it was just a fever, but to a first time mom, it was just so so so scary to me. I cannot bear losing him or seeing him hurt, it just cuts me so deep to even think about that.

Good new though, his fever finally broke and didn’t come back after about 5 days. He then broke out in little rashes all over his body. We kind of expected this because a few people said this happened to their baby after a fever. I think we’re in the clear for now =]

I think I said it before in an older post.. You get a routine down, you think you got parenting figured out sort of.. and then.. something happens and you have to start all over. Case in point, I had to sleep train him again.

Ah the joys of parenthood

Last Bits of Maternity Leave

Back in September I wrote that I went to work a little early and have about 2 weeks of maternity leave saved. Well, I finally cashed it in and I absolutely loved it. We experimented with more solid foods. He eats eggs, bread, oatmeal, avocado, turkey/pea porridge, and fruits with me. He claps with joy when he hears the Happy Birthday or ABCD song. He’s learned how to kiss, wave, and nod his head to say thank you. We’ve run so many errands, he is now a market cart sitting champ half the time and well.. I am a Ergo baby carrier champ half the time. He is so full of energy, hardly just sits there. Needless to say, after almost 1 year, I finally lost all the baby weight due to these last 2 weeks (7 pounds)! Woot Woot!

When I went back to work last year, I was so relieved to get away and be an adult. Do something else that was about me and not about rocking PJ almost all day so he would stop crying or fall asleep. Thinking back, I feel so guilty about feeling this way. They say to cherish every moment because they grow up so fast. And it’s so true. He crawled, sat up, and took his first steps at my mother in laws while I was at work. Missing those things makes me feel really heavy inside, but I know we are so lucky to be able to leave him with my MIL. I never worry when he’s with her and I know how happy he is spending the day there. But it wasn’t just PJ that’s grown up. Ed and I have also grown up so fast this last year.

You’d think after going to college, grad school, getting jobs, getting married and moving out makes you an adult. I don’t think any of that prepared me for becoming a mom. We fought a lot, and I mean A LOT, mostly because we’re tired. With time, I am learning to relax somewhat. I learned that PJ crying here and there, isn’t a life and death situation anymore. It’s ok that he cries a little in his crib, he will eventually fall asleep. When he tries to eat in his highchair, it’s inevitable that food will get everywhere. I will have spit all over my face, clothes and hair if he feels like sharing it. And he is and will just continue to be a bad napper and I’ve learned to use the Ergo to help me. What I still can’t relax about though is his newfound interest in trying to walk everywhere. He is constantly falling over, hitting his face and head. This just kills me. Seeing him get hurt and bruising everywhere is unnerving. I’m trying to let go and let him learn on his own, but he’s still my little baby.

So how did it feel to be a stay at home mom for 2 weeks? It was amazing and it made my heart feel so full. I don’t know that being a SAHM is for me 100%, but I do feel that for most women like me, you can have it all, career, motherhood, and wifey life. The caveat is you can’t be great at all of them at the same time. You WILL lose somewhere. Working full time, I am definitely not the type of mom I really want to be, but if I were to be a stay at home all the time, I would lose a part of myself as an individual. It’s hard and it sucks, but for now, this is my life. Trying to be the best mom and wife I can, while continuing to try and progress in my career.

Wish me luck!

Diapers

I’ve waited a whopping 6 months to do some kind of review on diapers. More specifically, overnight diapers. When PJ was about 4-5 months old, he would pee through his clothes every night. This meant he woke up earlier from discomfort, I had to change his onesie and pants in the dark (most likely he would pee on me and on his face as I changed his diaper and therefore scream hysterically after), and I would hurriedly have to wash and dry his Halo SleepSack some time before work, come home during lunch, or do it right after work because for some stupid reason, I refused to just get another one. So.. I said that’s enough, we are getting some overnights that can soak up all this pee.

We tried the following brands…

  1. Huggies overnight
  2. Pampers overnight
  3. Target overnight

My least favorite was Pampers. He almost always leaked through. With Huggies, he didn’t quite leak through but his onesie was on the verge of being damp. And Target was usually pretty dry.

Now this study of mine is quite… lacking. Why? Because the order of diaper brand use went from a 4-5 month baby using Pampers  to an almost 1 year old now using Target.

The biggest correlation that I found between how dry and wet he was, was based not on the brand, but on how many times he woke up to drink milk peoples! Now that his tummy can hold more food, he wakes up less often to drink milk. Well.. I guess I could have tried using a mix of the brands, but I didn’t think of that until right now…I’m still going to believe it’s all just a marketing gimmick to make you buy the more expensive overnights.

Ed actually convinced me to get this Cuties brand that they sell on Amazon. At first, I refused. I wanted name brand diapers for my baby. I mean at least Target or Costco right?? Not some random ugly packaged brand called Cuties.. from.. Amazon.. haha. But I gave in and we now have a subscription. And guess what.. they work just fine!

In the end, if your baby doesn’t have crazy sensitive skin that requires a specific brand.. just go with the cheapest.. they all do the same thing.. collect that never-ending pee and poo.

World’s Best Dad and World’s Okay-ist Mom?

Has anyone been told that your baby daddy is amazing? But amazing in what way?

Amazing in the..

Takes turns with you and does night feedings

Plays with your baby

Changes diapers and bathes your baby

Cleans the house and cooks

Works 5 days a week at a full time job

Let’s you nap or go out with your friends

….kind of way???

Well then yes, my husband is amazing, BUT SO FUCKING AM I!

I swear, women, you really need to shape up. Stop saying a dad is amazing because they are doing things that dads SHOULD already be doing. They are doing their job as dads, as husbands, as sons, and as a provider. I do the exact same damn thing and I am just an “okay” mom.

W…T…F

Yes, seeing a man so tender, and gentle, and caring and yadee yadee yadda IS truly nice to see, I agree. But stop making a normal dad out to be extraordinary and an extraordinary mom, ordinary.

That being said, I AM thankful that my husband is amazing and that I chose a guy that is happy to do those things as a dad because he wants to. I just want a little credit too sometimes, you know? =P

Now excuse me, but I have to go fold the laundry. Laundry that no one else does or folds, but is magically just DONE by moi.

Home Office

Our home has 4 bedrooms. Three upstairs and 1 downstairs. Our master and the nursery has obviously been occupied and relatively furnished, but our other two are some sorry looking pseudo office and guest rooms. So I decided to make the upstairs guest room my own office space with the guest bed still there of course. It’s hard decorating a home when I have to consider Ed’s tastes. It can’t be too gaudy and girly… If it were up to me, I’d love the whole house to be in gold accents, quilted headboards with nailhead detailing on it and on chairs and couches. I wouldn’t mind some decorative much too expensive candles, on top of eye-popping fashion books I’ll never realistically read (perhaps it would say “CHANEL” in big bold letters on the spine type of deal), all sitting uselessly on a mirrored chest of drawers. Therefore, we’ve agreed this one room is my own to do as I wish. I generally don’t like to jump on trend wagons, because then I would have to buy more and more to keep up and I am also not a hoarder, so I’d throw everything away all the time. However… I made an exception. I have decided this room is going to be and look like something that I like right now, even if my tastes change. I don’t want to constantly dream it looked like THIS room on Pinterest and then never make it happen. I’m tired of that. I’m tired of being lazy and too tired to do shit. If a mom of 4 can make it happen on Instagram, SO. CAN. I. damn it haha

Now do I even need an office? Not really lol… I mean let’s be real, I have a 8 to 5 job that requires me to be in the office and not work from home, but hey, it’s kind of nice writing this post on a desk in my own girly room. And besides, everyone needs their own space to decompress sometimes, even if it’s only for an hour a week.

2017

Happy new year!

This past year has been all about Patrick and I. When you’re pregnant, people, even strangers treat you like a fragile faberge egg and I’m not going to lie, I loved every moment of it. Now that PJ is about 8 months old, I’d say he’s recovered for the most part from the shock of being born and has acclimated well to his new environment haha. As for me, I still have about 10 more pounds to lose and my pelvis still aches once in awhile, but for the most part I’m getting used to being a mom (and worrying ALL the time) haha.

My new years resolution is to make 2017 more about Edward. He’s been placed last in our family this past year and I think PJ and I owe him some TLC. I probably won’t tell Ed this though.. I mean.. what if this mom needs some me, me, me time again haha

I want us as parents to put down our cell phones more and go out to places even if preparing for the journey with a baby is stressful. I want to take more time in the way I take care of myself. I always avoid taking pictures because I feel frumpy. I want to spend more meaningful time with my friends and family. And like every mom, I want to help PJ feel happy, healthy, and secure. When he reaches for me or turns around to look for me, I want to be there for him smiling.

2016 was amazing and I can’t wait to see what 2017 will bring us.

Cheers to the new year my friends!

Sleep Training

To be quite honest, I am finding that I have less and less to talk about on this blog, which explains the expanding intervals between posts. I’m not sure what it is. Perhaps, in the beginning, I was so indignant about all the things no one talks about involving pregnancy, labor, recovery, and newborns, I needed to vent somewhere. And now.. anything I didn’t know before or can’t believe is happening, I just accept it and ask my fellow moms if this is normal and what should I be doing.

I have so many friends who  would like to wait to have children because the whole process scares them. Well first off… it IS SCARY, I won’t lie. It’s not all rainbows and butterflies with poetic walks around the neighborhood in the stroller, I have still yet to go on a fun Saturday brunch with girlfriends in a trendy part of LA with baby in tow, and I find myself moaning into sleep because I am exhausted every single day, only to be startled awake by movement I hear through the baby monitor. In the short amount of seniority I have earned in the past year, I’d like to tell my friends, it’s one thing if you can’t or don’t want to have children, BUT if you do plan to eventually, JUST DO IT NOW. FIrst and foremost, misery loves company (haha jk). In all seriousness though, I can’t imagine doing this in my late 30s, the amount of energy this takes, IS INSANE.

So, what I get asked a lot by my scared friends is, “How much are you sleeping?” and “Does your baby sleep through the night?”

Let’s dive right into it then.

I am a part of two Facebook groups. One is called “First Time Mommy Group” and the second is “Respectful Sleep Training/Learning.” Another thing I learned becoming a first time parent is that there is A LOT of parent shaming. Like, A LOT. Everyone has an opinion about every damn thing and sleep training is definitely one of them. This is why I am in a separate Facebook group about freaking sleep training! Because people in the first group get so fired up about whether sleep training is ruining your baby’s life and mind and confidence and stability and trust and blah blah blah that people who don’t want to hear the judgment anymore and are in dire need of sleep have created a separate group that has to be called “RESPECTFUL sleep training/learning.” Absolutely ridiculous eugh

Anyway, don’t quote me, but from what I’ve read online so far, when you say a baby is “sleeping through the night,” it can mean 1 of 2 things to different people.

  1. It can mean the baby is sleeping all the way through from the moment they fall asleep (or you are rocking/swaying/bouncing them to sleep) and don’t wake up AT ALL until the more sane hours of the morning like 6 or 7am
  2. Or it can mean they wake up once or twice at night to eat only and go right back to sleep until 6 or 7am

If we use the second definition, my baby was sleeping through the night for weeks and I should be grateful for that. Now, actual “sleep training,” is teaching your baby how to fall asleep on their own without so much assistance from you and to be able to put themselves back to sleep if they happen to wake up in the middle of the night. This is all assuming the baby is big enough to not need to eat at night, need their diaper changed, or is not uncomfortable for some reason or another that you do need to get up and address it.

I tried 3 different methods you will often seen online.

  1. Pick up/Put down method – In essence, you put the baby down in their crib and the moment they start crying you pick them up, “sh” them and put them right back down. And you do this OVER AND OVER again until they finally fall asleep. This method absolutely killed Ed and my back and neck. PJ is in the 95th percentile for height and weight so this was so excruciating for us. We maybe did this method a few days before we said no more.
  2. Ferber method – You put them in their crib, and wait 5 minutes, even if the baby screams bloody murder. Then once the 5 minutes are up, you console them with a pat and I love you type of deal. Then you time 10 minutes before you do the same, then 15 minutes and so on.  The first day that we seriously did this, it happened out of nowhere because I just couldn’t carry him to sleep anymore. So I spontaneously did it while Ed was in the shower. Needless to say, he came out of the shower hearing PJ screaming and crying hysterically. I timed my intervals with my phone and ran to his room to comfort him each time. I never knew what it meant when people said this method is harder on the parents than on the kid, until I tried it myself. The first night he cried for 55 minutes. But the amazing thing was, he slept completely through the night until 630am. The didn’t wake up once to even eat type of “sleeping through the night.” It was a glorious sleep for us. I even woke up once at 4am to check that he was ok. As glorious as it was and consistency is key because you don’t want to undo all the crying you made him do, I stopped because he started doing the deep sniffling in his sleep after crying so much. I started crying myself watching him sniffling that I started picking him up and holding him until he stopped. So.. that was that…
  3. Extinction method – Some parents think going in to console the baby at intervals upsets the baby even more, because its like “psychhhhhhh, I’m not going to pick you up suckaaa,” so they don’t console the baby at all and quit cold turkey. Just put them in their crib and let them cry until they fall asleep. I tried this for like 30 minutes, I just couldn’t do it. Not going to lie, totally bitched out.

So… what did we end up doing??? I started letting him sleep in our bed from 630pm to 1030pm haha.  It’s almost as if we regressed. But it turns out that if I laid him down in our bed, he just automatically fell asleep and stayed asleep. I think our bed, the way it feels and smells must be comforting for him. We started getting free time in the evenings. He used to wake up every hour until deep sleep post 10pm, but now he just sleeps. After 2 weeks of this, I tried putting him down in his crib even if he wasn’t asleep. Sometimes he squirms, flips over and starts whining looking up at me, but I keep flipping him back on his back, turn him to his side and pat his butt or leg and he just… started… falling asleep……!!!! So for us, we tried the sleep training and it didn’t really work. Most likely because I wasn’t strong enough to push through it. I don’t knock it though because I think it works for a lot of people and I don’t think it hurts the baby emotionally like a lot of opinionated parents think it does. What I do know though is.. sleep training is not for everyone and if it’s not for you, don’t worry because babies probably figure it out eventually (it’ll just take you a lot longer before you get a full night’s sleep again). PJ just started suddenly not needing me to rock him all night to sleep, he was fine to fall asleep on his own. Seeing small developmental things like this makes me so proud of my baby. =]

Now.. I wish I could end this post by saying… “Ever since he started falling sleep on his own, Ed and I have been sleeping 8 hours every night!!” But no, PJ got sick and he’s waking up every few hours. Parenting is so tiring… it’s like you think you got it and then it all crumbles haha I’m hoping he’s able to fall asleep on his own again once he’s feeling better, but man I wish I could just get a hotel room so I can sleep uninterrupted for like 15 hrs.

Nekter Juice Cleanse

Last Sunday, I embarked on a juice cleanse journey. I’ve tried Urban Remedy’s juice cleanse before my wedding in hopes to shed some pounds, but I did not. My recollection of the experience was that the last protein/nut juice was always difficult to drink for me and every day I craved something salty and spicy. To be honest, I ate a big bowl of rice and kimchi the day after it was over. Totally not the point of the cleanse…

This time, I did it to reset my body. I knew from my experience last time that expecting weight loss was silly. It isn’t cheap either. I believe Urban Remedy cost me around $140, but Nekter was only $100, so I jumped at the chance.  I did their classic cleanse.

Day 1: My husband was baking some delicious buffalo wings since it was Sunday football. Surprising though, fighting temptation and drinking all 6 juices that day was quite easy. I felt like all the juices tasted great, a tad more sour/lemony than Urban Remedy’s, but still liked it. The 6th drink, the protein drink again was a bit harder for me to drink. I didn’t feel super hungry, but also didn’t have a ton of energy.

Day 2: I woke up pretty hungry and ready to drink the first one of the day. It felt 10x’s more sour and tangy to me the second day. I also started feeling like the drinks tasted very sugary. By lunch time, I was taking tiny sips and really wishing I had some salty/spicy mexican food or something. It took me so long to go through juices 3, 4, and 5. That evening after work, I picked up PJ from my mother in law’s, brought him home, and started having a massive headache. It was the kind where I could barely stand up and was really excruciating. Thinking about having to drink the last protein one was making me nauseous. I told Ed I don’t have the energy to take care of the baby, so he helped take over the bedtime stuff. I sat on the living room floor and forced the protein drink down. I sat there for 30 minutes trying with all my will power not to throw it up. I eventually got myself upstairs and climbed into bed at 7:45pm. I felt like SHIT. My head was pounding, I felt cold, I was shivering, tired and soooooo nauseous. Then, I finally came to a moment where I just couldn’t keep it down anymore. I got up and threw up EVERYTHING. If you read up on the types of cleanses, i believe juice 4 is the dark black/purplish one with charcoal coconut. Well, I could tell I threw up that as well. It started white and then turned into the black liquid. I didn’t even throw up like that when I had morning sickness! I was so exhausted after, I got into bed and fell asleep immediately.

Day 3: I felt absofuckinglutely FANTASTIC! Now that does not mean I continued on to day 3 of the juice cleanse though. Just thinking about the juice made my stomach turn, but other than that I felt soooooo good. I felt energetic, happy, refreshed, and ready to start my day. Even the coffee I drank hit me extra hard, perhaps because my system had been cleaned out? I attempted to drink one towards the end of the day, but I started getting nauseous again. My stomach must have had PTSD. So Ed ended up doing a 1 day juice cleanse later in the week. FYI, he loved it.

Conclusion: I probably won’t do it again. I’ll just try to stick to eating clean and healthy haha

End of Maternity Leave

Wow I can’t believe it’s been so long since the last time I posted something. I have moments where I think “hm.. I want to write about this later” and then I end up watching hours of The Good Wife while holding the baby.

I returned back to work this past week. In total, I took off 21 weeks (including 2 weeks before birth) and I still have 2 weeks left over for baby bonding that I already can’t wait to use.

I have mixed feelings about returning to work. When PJ would cry and fight me, I couldn’t wait to go back, but when he’d sleep angelically in my arms, I didn’t ever want leave him haha. So far, we’ve developed a kind of groove. Ed and I take turns feeding him during the night (thank goodness it’s only once and he goes right to sleep) and morning, take turns watching him and getting ready, I drop him off at grandma’s, pick him up after work, play with him a bit while scarfing down a salad, buying my time until a 7pm bath, bottle, and one of us puts him to bed. Then I wash the dishes, wash his bottles, do laundry, catch up with Ed about our day at work, shower and flop into bed exhausted. We also spontaneously started having PJ sleep in his own room. I wish I had started sooner because he did wake up a little more frequently the first few days, but he’s pretty much the same as he was when he used to sleep in a Pack n Play in our room.. so… SUCCESS! I also did my first real meal prep this week. I made all our lunches and dinners before I started the week. I’m so glad I did it! I never had to worry about cooking, and if Ed didn’t feel like what I made, then it’s on him to go buy/make something else lol. I must have been stressed about returning to work because I lost 5 pounds without even working out this week. I thought I’d give myself a break until we got adjusted. I’m pretty sure the meal prepping helped a lot too.

There were these weird moments this week that I would get slightly jealous/sad when PJ would laugh hysterically at my mother in law. Those were things he used to only do with me. Obviously I should be happy he has adjusted so well and I am… but maybe it’s mommy guilt. I’m fine from about 8am to noon, and then starting then I stare at his pictures teetering on giddy happiness to on the verge of crying because I miss him so much. BUT, I don’t think I want to be a stay at home mom. I always thought that was the dream. Real Housewife of the IE type of thing. But nope.. it’s not for me. I felt so isolated and bored. I didn’t dress up or put on make up often, I only watched TV shows and didn’t listen to talk radio like I used to on the way to work. I felt like I would just wait for Ed to get home all day. Now that I’m back, I feel more.. with it? Not sure if that’s the right way to express it, but I just feel like me. Although when he’s older and I have more freedom, perhaps my thoughts would change haha. Yesterday, I held PJ during both his 2 hour naps. I usually only put him to sleep in my arms, then lay him down immediately, but I just wanted to hold him, stare at him, and kiss him. O not to mention, I meal prepped for the whole week again yesterday too *pat on back*

My friend Jeanette once told me, “You’ll realize what a strong person you are when you become a mom.” You can read her amazing blog here btw. I know I’ve only been back to work for a week, but the kind of planning mentally, physically, and emotionally you have to do to be a mom, wife, daughter and working woman at the same time takes A LOT of energy and patience. So far, I feel great. I think we finished off my first week back relatively well. Hopefully, I can get myself to start working out again this week, but we will see..